I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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