If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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