I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
