im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
