I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
