I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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