rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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