Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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