the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
