Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
