I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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