please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
