i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
