I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
