youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's official drugs can't kill me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
