I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
