there was a trapeze. enough said
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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