Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
