There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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