im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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