so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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