so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
