no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
