You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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