Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
