i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
