i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
