my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
