3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
