Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
