u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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