I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
