I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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