Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
