I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
4 words: hood of his car
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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