One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
