I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
