i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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