If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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