Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
