Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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