hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
