I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
