Soap is not a condiment
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
