You can't motorboat a personality
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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