I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
