I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dear god my vagina.
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