I am spending my child support on dildos
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
