It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
