There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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