I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
